don't leave me here in the dark..

i break my xanga silence to inform those who are alert. i inform you that in a few hours, i will celebrate the completion of my nineteenth year as an air-breathing male homo sapien.

that is, i will "turn nineteen." but as you spend a year out of the womb before you are one year old, i spend nineteen before i go from eighteen to nineteen. did you ever think of it that way?

alot has happened b/t my last entry and this one. i went to utah, saw five national parks, shaved my beard all off, grew some back, shaved it back, cut my hair, grew it out more, signed up for 15 hours this semester, got to know some new people in my classes, liked a girl or two, was frustrated a time or two, kept working at chipotle, got to know my youth leader a bit better, been dead tired, been strong, weak, smart, dumb, selfish, noble, arrogant, humble....

alot has happened. life is good. God is good. i have not been nearly as good to God as he deserves, but He has been, far more to me than i ever do.. and this is a truth more than a praise. i suppose both, though.

i miss all of you, i can safely say. i don't see any of you on a regular basis. not even those of you still in town, usually.

and kris, i am oh-so-tired of waiting to get a laptop. its a luxury, yes, not a need, but at this point, i NEED it. :) i wish leopard os x would hurry up and come out.

will you do something for me?

jallo, men. good afternoon, ladies. good day, boys and girls. and greetings, to those who are somewhere in the middle, or just not paying attention.             so i've been reading my past xanga's. so i say "so" needlessly. i was a good writer. what happened? it kinda faded. i think. well, i suppose you'd like an update on my life. i shall give you that, and more.

it hasn't been a week yet since i last updated, but alot has happened, and i'm afraid i'll forget stuff if i wait longer. i'm killing time till "the call" tonight, and i actually need to study math. cause i don't understand alot of the stuff i'll be tested over tomorrow morning at 8. school is good, besides math. i don't think i'll have to take a math class next semester. which is awesome. i dislike math, if you didn't know this. on a different note, i've been trying to get more sleep. and not worry so much about stuff like the "freshman 15" or becoming overweight, etc. i looked at myself in the mirror the other day, in a rare moment of pure honesty, and decided that i liked myself. and that i didn't need to be any stronger, or thinner, or anything-er. so i'm trying to live by this contentment.  anyways, the copeland concert was amazing. the singer sweats worse than anybody i've seen in a long while, but its cool, because he's in a band. its funny. ben pointed out that he was surrounded by a crowd of girls when we left. maybe he's a weird guy, but he's in a band, so girls like him. :)     ....also, ben and i went to la cantera yesterday for a few hours, enjoying the chilly weather and Christmas music, and bumped into some sacs high schoolers. we said hi, they didn't seem excited to see us, so we didn't bother anymore. we also saw adrianna, a junior who was in ben and i's photography class. she was working, so i don't know if she wanted to see us or not, but as she couldn't leave, we talked to her. :)

and second-to-lastly, i'll update on the girl. hopefully some of you are interested. she called back, we set a time, i picked her up, we went to starbucks. the date went well. she is twenty. i thought she was older. she's not as talkative as i am, so it is possible that when i thought there was an awkward silence, she thought of it simply as a pause to take a breath or two. at any rate, at the end, she told me she had fun, and that we should do it again sometime. good stuff. i know she's pretty, and i think i like her, but i don't know if she's a Christian or not. so we'll see. anyways, that was tuesday. so on friday, i went by whole foods, where she works, to get an odwalla and read a book. (that's how i met her, because i was doing that before i was interested in her) soooooooo i went on friday, three days after the date. and i saw her, and she told me she was going on break in thirty minutes, and asked if i wanted to wait. so i did, and thirty minutes later we talked till she had to leave. and apparently she's still interested in me, although so far all we've had is a few side-hugs. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to get really physical or anything. side-hugs are awkward though. if you're gonna hug, go in for an embrace. if not, then bow or curtsey or something equally awkward. :)       alas, the plague of side-hugs.

i know this entry is long, but be patient. almost done. i was talking with ben smith on saturday, about trust. and about why we believe Christianity. its such a crazy idea. believing something you've never seen. especially when you base your whole lifestyle on it. the Bible is pretty persuasive, but what else? i know that the world is round. but how do i know? people told me, showed me pictures, and everybody else accepts it. but belief? belief is the one thing that is not influenced by what other people believe. belief is a deep conviction that will stand by itself. is it not dangerous to believe something, simply because people accept it as truth, and they show pictures? what if i were to become an astronaut, and go into outer space, and look back and see the earth as a sheet? just a plane with dents and bulges? i haven't seen the earth like that. and i think its crucial that everyone reading this, if they have not already done so, thinks about why they believe certain things. not to prove them wrong. but just to see. "it makes sense" is not a good reason. explain. because sense is defined by society. by the people around you. your beliefs should make a kind of sense that you can explain, not just a "well look at mr. so-and-so, he's a smart guy, and he believes it, so it must make sense." the earth is round; it just makes sense. sense? since when does that make sense? since when does the idea that some people live upside down, and some right side up, but no one ever feels upside down, or falls off, make sense? you've got to have a better reason than that. and sometimes the true things don't make sense. i'm not saying that if you can't explain something rationally, that its not true. part of the novelty of Christianity is that it doesn't make sense. but if you see that, then don't use that argument, "it makes sense." anyways, i digress. its good to question. but i guess when you get to the unanswerable questions, that's when it takes faith. and belief.

back to the subject. i saw a movie the other day. it was freakin good. i've already seen it. but its fun to watch it again. mission impossible 3. now bear with me, even if you don't like tom cruise. one of my favorite movie scenes is in that movie. check it out. ethan hunt is talking with his fiancee on the roof of the hospital where she works. he is supposedly a dude who studies traffic patterns and stuff for a job. really he's a super-cool agent to blows things up and carries out impossible operations. (i might paraphrase a little. i don't remember exactly.) he says, "i have to go away again." and by this time, she knows that there's something a little funny about his spontaneous traffic conventions. "[sigh] its so sudden. how long will you be gone?" ethan: "two, three days. i don't know." the girl: "ethan, what's goi--" ethan interrupts her, "can i ask you to do something for me? i need you...to trust me." she nods, tears in her eyes. "but will i ever know--" and he puts his finger up, and says it again, "trust me."

it so much better when you watch it. but its the concept of the questions. she said she'd trust him, but then had a "but" question, a conditional trust. trust me. its not something to be negotiated. its complete. and it made me think of God and i. i'll be all torn up about a girl, or my future, or what i'm supposed to be doing in life, and i'll say, "God, what's going on?!?" and He'll say, "will you trust me?" so i say something like, "yes, i'll trust you, but is she right for me?" totally missing the point of the word.

 "i need you to trust me."

good day. i hope you stayed classy, xanga. ok, so that was kinda stupid. oh well. i don't think i'll backspace on this xanga entr. y. so let's hope that is like my only typo.l ok....i realize that my life is less consistently updated, nowadays. ok, so i can't stop backspacing. it bugs me to see a grossly mispelled word. so much for that resolution. thanksgiving has come and gone. we had two families and our grandparents for ours. so it was big. and we had alot of food. so i ate alot. and i may have gained a few pounds. but who's counting? :)   freshman fifteen, you may be inevitable, after all. and this past saturday, i spent an evening at the chalk's. so enjoyable. thank you, chalk family, for letting us spend time with y'all and your house so much. i actually spent the night, which is always great, because i wake up with this achiness behind my eyes, and a terrible realization that i have somewhere to be, church, in this case. but as dave would say, it was fun. i enjoy the miserableness, because it reminds me of the fun we had the night before with friends. kris haughton was fun to see, as well as will payne, and jim chalk, etc etc.

oh, no-shave november is wrapping up, and i can't wait. the novel idea was fun at first, but its a long time, and it no longer looks semi-cool. it looks like i lost my razor. however, i believe i'll keep the mustache/goatee/thin beard, and just trim it after november 30th. thursday, if you were wondering. haha, for thanksgiving, since we were having company over, i was like, "hey dad, do i have to dress up for dinner? like jeans, or am i good?" and he kinda glances over, and says, "yeah, wear jeans." and then he looks over again with this appraising expression, and goes, "actually, you should probably wear a collared shirt, too, because even if you're dressed up, you still look like a ragamuffin." and i laughed, and accepted this as a truth.        the other night at work, i said something about my faded chipotle tee, and this girl i work with said, "it matches your faded jeans." and we started talking about jeans, and suddenly she was like, "do you ever wear dress pants?" and i was like, "...um...yeah...not at work, but to church sometimes...but i like khakis, cause they're more comfortable." and she started asking, "well, what about like, relatives' anniversaries?" when i replied that i had never been to one, she asked about weddings, and i was like, "well, yes, obviously --" and then i realized that she thought i was constantly unshaven and that i never look neat or dressed up. upon asking, i found that this was the case. this saddened me, and i cursed the day no-shave november was born. ok, so i didn't curse it. but it made me think about the impression i give off like this.

so today i just got the oil changed in my car. and i'm gonna try to go to the gym, and then goof off. i'm waiting for a call from this girl. she's an interest. she works at whole foods, and i kinda started talking to her. i think she's really pretty, and she's kinda quiet, talking to me, at least. anywhoo, i asked her to hang out at starbucks today, so she gave me her number. and i left a message, cause she didn't answer. hopefully that'll happen, and it will go well. i'll let you know, dear reader.

and then later tonight, Lord willing, ben smiff and i will go to the white rabbit to see copeland play. it will be cool. i've never been to the aforementioned rabbit. so i look forward to that. and i'll let you know how it goes.  i'm also re-reading "the man who was thursday" by g.k. chesterton. i read it like sophomore year in high school, and i did an oral book report on it. the problem is, the book is hard to understand at face value. chesterton writes amazingly, but it takes time to digest his words. so when i did my oral book report, i finished the book with a few days left till the due date, and found i didn't really understand it. i stumbled through the speech, and didn't get a good grade. mrs. aycock wrote something like, "sounded confusing, like you didn't understand the book." right ho. anyways, i recommend the book. especially if you like reading. if you're content to let a plot wind its way towards resolution, while enjoying the style and symbolism along the way.

and all this time, you had no one, to tell you how to love

although the song from which i drew this lyric is extremely good, ("eat, sleep, repeat" by copeland,) i'm not sure that love is something that needs to be taught. i mean, yes, its unnatural to just love some one, without any expectations or demands, but God taught every one of us this idea before we were born, unless you were one of those jews who followed Jesus around way back when. so there's nobody who has no one to teach how to love. but it is a cool idea. and i suppose before we know God, it is something still unknown...so i dunno.

i have a number of things to blog about. first, last night, a number of friends (and i with them) went to see "casino royale," that new daniel craig james bond movie. now, i've seen, oh, maybe three, or maybe four james bonds. movies. of course, i know the plot line trails. this one was freakin awesome. daniel craig is pretty freakin cool, and tough at the same time. not to mention eva green, the girl. she was in kingdom of heaven, and was just as attractive. so i approve. you should go see it, if you wanna. i bet its gonna do well, cause it was showing on a bajillion screens, and the one we were in was packed. ridiculous. oo, and judi dench. always good. almost forgot to mention her. and some weirdly familiar black bearded dude who plays poker at the main tournament. 

 in other news, since i blogged last, donald rumsfeld is no longer secretary of something. i think its defense. or war. who knows. i didn't know that much about him. i don't believe mrs. neeley elaborated on why he was so great, at least in our class. so i kinda wish i knew, so when partisan politic cheap shots start flying, i could actually say something, instead of being like, "uh...well...i guess he wasn't that great, cause bush didn't like him."

i wish i could think on my feet. cause i can't. i was reminded of this again this past week, when a girl i know from church came into chipotle. she is very attractive. and i tried to say something witty, but it just came out awkward and slow-like, and the dude working beside me and my manager immediately found it hilarious. oh it stinks. aaron sloan and i have joked about this for a while, but i'm starting to actually see it as a reality, more than an occasional falter that can be made fun of. and i don't know what i can do about it...

oh, and i read "life of pi" recently. twas very moving. i don't know if i recommend it. it was very well written, but somewhat violent. and if you're reading it now, and you're halfway through, and you're thinking, "oh daniel, i've gotten past it already. the violence isn't bad. you're just squeamish."...well think again. the ending is kinda...yeah. anyways. to set the stage for the quote i'm giving you, let me give you a rundown of the plot. pi is a boy who was moving with his family and some zoo animals from india to canada. they owned a zoo in india, and they're bringing the animals to start over, or just sell them to other zoos. basically the cargo ship sinks. so pi is stuck in a lifeboat with a hyena and a tiger, along with some others. when he is telling some japanese gov't people of the ordeal later, (the cargo ship was japanese,) they don't believe him. "...[listing elements of the story:] tree dwelling aquatic rodents? these things don't exist." PI: "only because you've never seen them." MR. OKAMOTO: "that's right. we believe what we see." PI: "so did colombus. what do you do when you're in the dark?"

[i guess that could be a good lesson for all of us. what do you do when you're in the dark? do i stop trusting God when i don't feel him anymore? "are you really there, God? these doubts are normal, right?" how foolish we must look to God, as if he puts us in a room, and immediately after he turns the light off, we start questioning his very existence.]

here goes [everything]

so this entry will have to be a relatively quick one. i just didn't wanna leave the week with no update. i owe it to all of the readers who are interested in my mundane, mediocre, jellyfish-like-passive life.

mm, smilees. so what's new? i'll tell you. i had a midterm on friday. it was psychology, and i was really nervous, cause i didn't study that much, but it was fine. twas easier than i thought it would be. i also had a math test on wednesday, which i wasn't ready for, but it was alright because i didn't fail. and that is a good thing. i learned that i need to actually try my math lessons from now on.

ok, wow, i just looked at my last entry. twas a while ago. on LAST friday, i hung out at the chalk's house after homecoming. yes, homecoming was last friday. i got to see old friends, and it made me happy. i hung out with wesley for a good bit of time, and then ben and dave for a gooder bit of time, and then everybody else for a small-ish bit of time. i wore that vest i talked about, and got good ratings. so i'll keep it and like it. i stayed over at dave's overnight, and then went to meet aaron sloan for b-fast. always fun.

hm, what else. i got back my english term paper. aced it. i was excited. tis always a nice feeling. the last week and a half was swollen with quizzes, tests, and papers, so now its slowed down a bit. good stuff. oh, ah, i know there's more to my life than these few paragraphs. oh, the girl. well, i'm not sure if i like her. i think i do. i'm pretty sure i do. i talked to one of her good friends the other night, and found that she does not have a boyfriend, which is good, because there was a guy who i thought might be. i also found out that she is interested in no one, and is very particular about what she wants in a guy. and she's not interested in dating around. just the "i'll know him when i see him, and he'll be everything i want" kind of mentality. soooooooooooo...i'm kinda looking at it as a challenge now, and trying not to get discouraged. buuuuut i'm still praying about it, and i'm not entirely sure i'm ready for a relationship. i don't know. maybe i should stop doubting myself so much.

aaaaaand i'm dragging my words out. this saturday, yesterday, i met ben smith and traveled with him to la cantera. oh, the fun we had. we only had aboot an hour and a half before he had to get to work, but we went thru stores and then ate in food court. we got our food and then ate outside. and listened to good music on the way to and from la cantera to northwoods starbucks. on the way home, i stopped at target and got the new copeland cd. it made me intensely sad driving home, but then i liked it later. the guy's voice isn't very strong, so it kinda grates on me after a while, and i think its whiny, but they have good songs. i also finally got that michael buble cd. i think he has a more recent one by now.              well, i've gotta go shower and study a bit before going to the call. leave some comments and love, as michael sturdy would say. by the way, speaking of which, he captured my image in several photographs homecoming night at the chalk's house. so if you want to see what i look like these days, he tagged them and put them on facebook, so they're in my pictures.  (because i probably look soooo different since may. i know.) actually, on this tuesday, i shaved my facial hair. i'm trying to participate in "no-shave november," so i shaved october 31st, and hopefully i can resist till november 30th. that's a long time, and i'll take a picture if i make it. cause maybe i'll have a neckbeard. :) oooo, a neckbeard. how cool.